Musings by OZ

So the other day I was driving the Bentley down a country road just outside of Warsaw when I was pulled over for speeding by undercover Polish Police, not my Bentley of course, the only vehicle I own is a 2013 Toyota Tundra that doesn’t even run, is uninsured and has a certificate of non-operation on it, it just kinda sounds cool, in my own head, to say such things as, so the other day I was driving the Bentley.

I’m not a car dude, I have never been the type of person that covets luxury cars, I am quite happy with my truck, but perhaps that has changed since I have driven the Bentley a couple of times. There is something to be said about getting behind the wheel of such a car, adjusting the seat, steering wheel and mirrors and turning on the massaging seat rollers, even such mundane acts are a treat.

You just can’t truly grasp the feeling of driving a luxury car such as this until you have experienced it. The Bentley is truly an amazing vehicle, everything about it is impressive, even the gas cap is a work of art, the first time I fueled this baby up I had to screw the cap on and take it off a second time because it was just so satisfying, I don’t know what that cap is made of but it is machined from a solid billet of some kind of fancy metal that is shiny and heavy, I can safely say that it is nicest gas cap I have ever used. I mean seriously,  I would have been thrilled to just fill the car with fuel, careful not to drip any on the paint of course, clean the windows and sit quietly in the passenger seat in a parking lot, yet somehow I find myself in the position that I was able to spend quite a few hours driving this piece of functional art.

The first time I drove this car was just out side of Amsterdam, we had a client that lived just outside the city who bought an Audio Tekne turntable from us that required delivery and setup.  This turntable is truly a piece of art, the whole thing is made from solid carbon, the deck, platter and even the tone arm is made of carbon, the platter uses a pneumatic pump that produces a cushion of air and reduces the friction allowing this incredibly heavy platter to spin perfectly. The turntable, which cost more than my Tundra, was packed into so many boxes that I had to rent a van to get it from Warsaw to Amsterdam.

This was my first trip to Amsterdam but I didn’t actually have time to do any exploring, I never even made it to a coffee shop, I did however get to see two sides of the city, the area where our client lived was beautiful, he had a canal in his front yard and huge green fields with smaller canals running through it just behind his house, it looked like a lovely place to live. As nice as that area was the part of the city that we stayed in was a different story, when we pulled up in front of our hotel we parked under a sign that said DNA-SPRAY, some kind of anti theft system that sprays you with a traceable spray so the cops can track you down. Our hotel recommended that we not park the car or van on the street overnight because more than likely we would find it vandalized when we returned to it in the morning, needless to say we found a secure parking garage to park the vehicles in.

My partner, having driven up in his Bentley invited me to make the return trip with him, as much as I enjoyed the drive in the rental van I opted for the Bentley.  My partner started the drive and I was totally basking in the glory of being passenger when we pulled over to fuel up and I was asked if  I would do a solid and drive, apparently he was tired and need a bit of a kip, after a moments contemplation I decided that it would just be rude to say no so I capitulated and climbed behind the wheel and was immediately enveloped in luxuriousness. I adjusted the seat, mirrors and steering wheel and quickly realized what a treat I was in for. Saying that I was a bit nervous to be behind the wheel of this fabulous motor car would be an understatement, this car was this gentleman’s pride and joy and he was trusting that I knew what the hell I was doing. Initially I drove very conservatively, in fact I was told that I should relax a bit, go faster and stop holding the wheel like I was milking an old cow, it was suggested that I was driving the car like I was a character in an old movie, you know the type, they would have an image projected behind the car that made it look like it was on the road somewhere and the actor, with his hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, would move the steering wheel back and forth in an exaggerated manner in order to make you think they were actually driving, my truck has some steering issues and apparently I was driving the Bentley like I was driving my janky pick up truck.  As we pulled onto the Autobahn I pushed a button that put the car into sport mode, this magic button lowered the suspension, stiffened up the brakes and probably a whole bunch of other things I wasn’t aware of, now I was ready to go, I stopped milking that cow, stepped on the gas and off we went!

I would usually crank up the tunes when on a road trip but the sound of the engine as it switches from 6 to 8 cylinders when you step on the gas is such a well orchestrated beautiful sound that music would just be considered an interruption of the symphonic sounds of the Bentley.

Driving on the German Autobahn was an interesting experience for sure, there were many places where the speed limit was posted and at times we came across road construction where 3 or 4 lanes dropped down to one or two, this made me a bit nervous because the lanes were so narrow and I had to pass large 18 wheeler trucks within what felt like inches of the guard rail to my left, I heard a couple of expletives mumbled from  the passenger seat a few times as I expertly, in my mind anyway, passed a few of these behemoth trucks. There were also many miles, kilometers actually, where there were no speed limits, if this were my car and I had the experience I would have pushed it a bit more than I did but I think the fastest that I went was about 200 kph which is 124.27 mph, driving at this speed in this car was incredibly exhilarating. It wasn’t just a matter of driving in one lane, driving correctly on the Autobahn at speed involves a bit of weaving around traffic. The left lane is reserved for passing only so I had to drive in the second lane from the inside. People drive all different speeds on the Autobahn, when you are pulling up behind someone while driving 200 kph and they are doing 100 kph you come up on them scary fast so you have to pull into the passing lane to pass them and then scoot back into the next lane over, every minute or two I would have to pass another car. It doesn’t matter where in the world you are driving you always have to watch out for the total asshats on the road that just don’t know how to drive, a couple of times I had to brake hard because someone would pull into the fast lane without using a turn signal, at 200 kph you have to keep your wits about you or things could end badly.

 Even at 200 kph faster cars would be flying by me on the left, on the Autobahn there is always someone faster than you. After a couple of hours of driving my passenger was comfortable enough, or perhaps tired enough that he fell asleep as we headed down the road on our way to Berlin for the night. When we arrived at our hotel in Berlin there was a single parking spot right in front just waiting for me to skillfully maneuver into so with all the skill I could muster I parallel parked the Bentley, opened the door, took couple of steps back so I could appreciate my amazing job of parallel parking only to realize that it was actually a shitty parking job, the back wheel touched the curb and the front wheel was a couple of feet away, I was used to parking the mini cooper in tight spaces and this was not a mini cooper, that and the fact that there were a few people standing around watching me as I parked made me nervous, the reality is that those people could probably care less about me and my amazing, and or questionable parallel parking skills.

The next day I reluctantly gave up my position behind the wheel and let the pro take over, the closer we got to Warsaw the faster we went, it was like a horse that was close  to home after a long journey and there was a bag of oats waiting for him upon his return and he wasn’t stopping for anything, we reached speeds of up to 240kph or 149.13 mph, the sensation of traveling at this speed was very reminiscent of the Japanese bullet trains that we traveled on just last year,  racing down the Autobahn at such speed was truly intoxicating! On our way home we passed the remains of a horrible accident going the other direction, the road was closed for many Kilometers, there was so little left of the car that I assumed that a life was lost, later that evening I found out that someone did indeed lose their life, apparently a car traveling at high speed drove right into the back of a large truck, it definitely makes you consider the risks of driving at high speed on the Autobahn when you see the remains of an accident that took someones life.

So anyway, earlier this week I was helping my friend out by picking the Bentley up after getting a service and taking it to his house in the forest just outside of Warsaw.  I was just cruising down the road at about 80 kph behind a couple of other cars that were setting the pace, a couple of kilometers from his house a black BMW shot out of a dirt side road, quickly gaining on me I saw it in my rear view mirror and assumed that it would be passing me on the left, I wish that were indeed the case but I took another glance in the mirror to see that it had turned on flashing blue and red lights that were just behind the grill on the front of the car, I was getting pulled over……by a 4 door door beemer! The only option that I had to pull over was on the left, a dirt parking lot for some kind of Military base. I pulled into the parking lot, rolled down the window and waited to see exactly what kind of trouble I was in.  As I was waiting for the police to approach the car a group of military police came out of the base to watch the show, so on one side I had military guys checking out the guy being pulled over in the Bentley on the other side I had two police guys in full uniform heading towards me,  I was a bit nervous to say the least.  Imagine if you will, being pulled over by an unmarked black car while driving a friends Bentley through a forest and having to pull over into a military base while being stared at by a bunch of military police, not an enviable position. The cops approached and I greeted them in my best Polish, one of the officers replied in his best Polish a whole bunch of words that I didn’t understand because I had already exhausted the extent of my Polish vocabulary, not actually true because I do also know a dozen or so words in Polish including Gofry and Lody (waffles and ice-cream) but, I was confident that this wasn’t the time to be bringing up food, although at this point my stomach was thinking differently because the whole thing was starting to make me feel sick.  After contemplating a conversation about food I explained that I was American, actually it’s really not necessary to explain that I am American, it is pretty obvious I think and that I did not understand what he had said. In very good English I was informed that I was speeding. I was told that I was clocked at 105 kph on a road with a 50 kph limit, I was  told that if you are caught driving 50 kph over the limit in Poland that they would confiscate your drivers license and you would have to pay a fine, I considered arguing the point that I was not in fact going as fast as they said I was but decided against it because it didn’t seem like a smart move. In hindsight perhaps I should have asked to see the radar results that they were referring to or at the very least I should have called my friend a few blocks away and had him be my interpreter. I handed my California drivers license over, possibly the first one of these they had seen, and the cops took it with them to the car. They were gone for about ten minutes during which time the military police were obviously talking about me, they were pointing and chatting and just enjoying the show.  I have been pulled over once before in Poland because I was driving in a lane I wasn’t supposed to be and was let off with a warning so I was hoping that in this case I would also be let off with just a warning but unfortunately this was not to be the case. The officer returned and asked if I had an international drivers license, no I replied,  I was under the impression that my license was good enough. I was informed that I broke two laws, speeding and driving in Poland without an international drivers license, I was told that they were going to issue me a ticket and that I would have to pay two fines in order to get my license back. I had to pay 2 fines of 500 pln each, 1000 pln is the equivalent of $266. Luckily I had the cash on me so I was able to pay the fine. I had to provide my address in California as well as the names of my parents along with the cash.  The tickets were issued, the cash was handed over and the officer said to me “you go now” with a quiet nod I rolled up my window and jumped back on the road, making sure that this time I did not exceed the speed limit.

 I have driven over 10,000 kilometers while in Central Europe, I actually feel quite comfortable on the streets, I have learned some valuable lessons while driving, one of which is that when driving in a foreign country you should always look online and learn what the street signs mean, stay out of the bus lanes and last but not least be wary of black BMW’s.

If you have ever wondered what a traffic ticket issued in Poland looks like, here ya go.

I took this selfie as I was waiting for the Police officers to return with my tickets.

Here is a lovely pic that I took of the undercover car, the black BMW on the right, I cropped out the license plate number because I suspect that they would not want me to publish it.